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Post by thiago on Apr 16, 2013 0:05:01 GMT -5
CLICK PLAY
I've decided to accompany some special effects to this week's confessional.
To be honest, I'm really struggling mentally right now. Although I'm a logical person and I can analyze situations until the cows come home, I'm also a very emotional person. I may not like to admit it, but I think I'm becoming much softer a person as I age, not that I'm old by any means.
I had a really difficult time sleeping last night. My mind is reeling. It doesn't help that I'm in the midst of a really intense exam period either. I keep asking myself why I'm putting myself through all of this. I made a conscious decision to stop playing these games years ago, yet the siren's melody called me back. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the moment when my ship is sunk.
Once upon a time I was able to backstab and lie to people like no tomorrow, but I don't know if I'm able to do that like I once did. I feel really bad about what happened to Naomi. She seemed genuinely excited to play the game and her time got cut short unfairly. Yes, this game is unfair, but there's a human element to these games as well. We're all really excited to play and to leave so soon, it's disheartening. I hope that Naomi isn't taking it too hard, but I can only imagine that she is. Being blindsided right off the bat is a horrible feeling. If you ever get to read this Naomi, I'm truly sorry.
I've really forgotten how mentally draining these games can be. That excitement you feel is mixed with nerves, paranoia, and constant questioning. I'm Canadian, and I'm already finding myself panicking when I sent a message with a "u" in "favorites" or "honor"; and the fact that these things are getting to me tells me that I'm really starting to unravel a bit.
I'm only human, so I know these feelings too will pass, like everything does.
I think what hit me pretty hard after Naomi's departure was Julian asking me if I wanted to join him in an alliance with him, Starr, and Bree, and if Starr had spoken to me. No, Starr had not spoken to me, so I had to assume this was another addition being made to our alliance without him knowing he's the 4th wheel. So, I had to lie and act very grateful and excited to join. This type of disingenuity makes me feel crappy. I know that I'm surrounded by it in this game, but that doesn't make me doing it feel any more noble. It also reminds me that Starr is playing hard. I personally don't have any interest in Julian and now I'm forced to work with him. I'm stuck with him. He also told me they want to create a power 6 and if there's anyone I feel I can trust that I should add them. To be honest, given that I have no real intention to go all the way with either Starr, Julian, or Bree, I'm not going to give up names of people I actually want to go far with. I'd rather keep those relationships under wraps.
I think I'm also really worried about the favourites winning yet another challenge. I really fear a swap or merge situation where we are outnumbered. The sooner those veterans go to Judgment the better; they really need to self-implode soon.
Thanks for listening, sorry if I'm sounding a little weak, but there's no where else to really process the way I'm feeling. I've always felt better when I write things out. I'm just so nervous. I find myself saying "haha" to things I don't find funny, and smiling with people that I really don't respect. I know this is a game, but I can't help but feel shady--the exact adjective I'm trying hardest to hide, I am most ashamed of.
However, I think it's enlightening to see that I'm not the adolescent, ruthless player I once was, and I'm proud to see that I'm more in tune with my emotional side. We'll see how this crazy game unfolds. Until next time..
Cheers,
-T
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Post by michael on Apr 16, 2013 1:41:42 GMT -5
Whoa you have just added another dimension to your character!
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Post by colleen on Apr 16, 2013 1:56:35 GMT -5
I enjoy reading your confessionals  This was really nice to read. |
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Post by thiago on Apr 16, 2013 10:13:40 GMT -5
For those in need of a laugh... Mark Mark I'm gonna be complete honest with you... Mark Mark some things on our side have made me suspicious already Thiago oh really? i haven't picked up on anything yet really Mark Mark *looks around* I'll tell you Thiago haha Mark Mark but I'm really opening myself up to you, so be gentle with me Thiago don't worry, i brought lubricant Mark Mark LOL LATER... Thiago not at all, i only heard about it a week before the game Mark Mark me either I was asked to apply to the season before this, but I didn't Thiago good thing or else i wouldn't have met you Mark Mark dawwwwww don't make me blush Thiago haha well you did offer me your virginity already Mark Mark bahahahahahaha!!! I didn't offer it, per se just if it was gonna happen, lube it up Thiago oh i'm sure Marky Mark LOLOLOL LATER.... Thiago luckily i'm a patient man so i'll go along with it for now Mark Mark me too...I can be a yes-man :-D Thiago well you did offer yourself up to me after knowing me for about 5 minutes Don't be jealous, Michael!! Oh, and: Mark Mark but in all honesty, I do feel more drawn to you over some others I feel like we connect Sheesh. I think this is person #6 to say this to me? I'm going to find myself in a really nasty predicament someday soon I fear... |
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Post by michael on Apr 16, 2013 12:25:19 GMT -5
Well I would throw myself at you in about 3 minutes but you seem to have others  |
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Post by thiago on Apr 18, 2013 15:38:24 GMT -5
My apologies to everyone who follows for being so quiet this round. Things have been a tad hectic with final exams but I've mustered the energy to write another confessional.
So things have really changed a lot for me. I'm started to make moves. I'm not sure if they're the right moves, but I think if I don't grab people soon enough it'll be too late and I'll never have someone super close, and I always think you need at least one person who you can be at least very--but not totally--honest with.
I think I left you off last with the alliance offer from Starr/Julian/Bree which I wasn't fond of but accepted.
Starr seems to trust me a lot; I think she still views me as a threat, but she still sees use of me and I think for now I'm one of her closer confidants. She told me that she was a little upset with Julian because he put her in an alliance with Dion and Mark. I'm not supposed to know about this so Starr asked me to keep quiet, but I guess the intention with Julian was to eventually merge two alliances and make a majority. However, to me it's clear that Julian (and let's not forget Starr) get to be in both alliances, which puts them in the pinacle of any merger between the two. We all saw how that worked out for Parvati and Amanda in Micronesia. However, I'm all smiles and giggles and am just happy to be along for the ride! Little do they know...
I also asked Starr about Julian offering me an alliance with Starr/Bree when I was already in it! She said that Bree asked Julian to join and was pretty adament about it. I think Starr probably had more to do with inviting Julian than she lets on. Anyway, I'm with them now and I'll have to deal with it. It's funny to see both Dion and Starr together in an alliance; two control freaks with alpha "female" personalities. I'd be surprised if either were females in reality, though.
The challenge got under way and to be honest I think I lost my cool a little bit. I hounded people to participate and took an active role in dictating how the challenge would go. I really tried to contain my anger because people were being so foolish! I couldn't believe that 10+ hours after my post about working on the challenge individually just at the start to get the hang of it, people were still starting their own threads! The logic was lost on me there; I think a lot of people on this tribe just want to be told what to do and don't really want to step outside the box. I'm on a very cautious tribe, which tells me that any strategy has to be passive and slow, because fast and furious is a turn off and will get you voted off very quickly.
I bonded a lot with Mark during the challenge, so much that he opened up to me about an alliance he was in with Dion/Starr/Julian! I was aware of it but I didn't say anything, yet. I think Mark and I are both in similar situations: we're a little more mature than the others, we're dedicated to the game, we haven't played a game in years, and we are a little worried about pre-game alliances and pre-established relationships, especially amongst the favourites, because we're out of the "online gaming clique" and have no idea what the dynamics are. Strategically, we are both on opposite ends of this "alliance" pendulum Julian is playing.
I decided that Mark and me working together just made sense. Mark is someone I get along with, I think he can keep his mouth shut, I don't think he has an ego that dictates his strategic play, and I think he's very logical. This works for me. Also, if we are both working together, we can stay on top of keeping up with what's going on with each end of this alliance thing Julian/Starr are handling.
I've told Mark everything as of an hour ago, and he seems fairly receptive. Furthermore, we both really get along with Zac, Gabe, and somewhat Knox, so I think we have that option if and when we decide to ditch this alliance. I don't think either of us really want to work with the immaturity of Starr/Dion or the shallowness of Bree/Julian. We'd rather let Dion/Starr have their silent power struggle and we'll sit back.
It was a real shame to lose the challenge, we're really going to be screwed in a swap/merge situation. It's my biggest fear, as I've mentioned. I think Tina liking me will only hurt me in a swap/merger because Tina probably only "likes" me because they think I'm in a good spot due to my forum activity.
So here is what went down today about the vote:
Dion and others suggest Pilar as the vote. Reese tells Pilar she's in danger. Pilar isn't happy. Pilar confronts Dion. Dion is honest about the vote being for Pilar. Pilar throws in some insults at Dion, but then says that Zac told her that Dion is controlling everything. Dion didn't like this so dion freaks out to Gabe and I. Gabe tells her he thinks Pilar is lying. I also tell her the same thing. Dion now decides that Pilar lied and is going to pretend like she will vote Zac so Pilar doesn't think she's going home.
My issue right now is Pilar going home hurts me a bit because Pilar really trusts me for some reason. I personally would rather get rid of Reese because he doesn't do much and never speaks with me. I also think he could be a likeable person that could outmatch me in the social game and that worries me. However, Mark brought up a good point: with Pilar gone, we could cement him with us and then Starr/Dion have one person less on their side and the boys sans Julian could take control. We'll see. I think Reese would rather play with the chicks and I think he likes Dion/Starr--similar maturity level.
I wish I trusted Gabe more because I like him a lot. I think I have to see where things go with him. Zac I think will be in my corner also but he did open his mouth a bit too much. Also, Pilar told me that both Zac and Reese told her she was going but I told most people it was Reese so that Reese would take the heat and not Zac, who I want to have stick around for a while.
I probably missed some things that have went on but this is all that's coming to mind at the moment. I think I'm in decent shape right now and Mark/I are the most well-infomed and centre of it all. We'll see how it plays out tonight.
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Post by thiago on Apr 18, 2013 15:43:04 GMT -5
1. Who do you consider to be your core allies? Strong allies: Mark, Starr, Bree, Julian Medium allies: Gabe, Zac, Pilar Weak allies: Knox, Dion Not allies: Reese 2. What official alliances are you in, if any? Alliance #1: Bree/Starr/Julian - stronger with Starr Alliance #2: Mark Priority on alliance #2 3. Who do you want to go this round? Want: Reese Think: Pilar |
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Post by thiago on Apr 18, 2013 17:12:57 GMT -5
At the moment the vote is definitely Pilar. I contemplated voting Reese or Bree to stirr it up but decided to go with Mark's idea of befriending. So instead, I spoke with Reese about how I like Pilar but I feel like we're being lied to and that I'll stick up for him and say that Reese was never going to vote with Pilar, just so he feels he has a friend who will look out for him. I think in Reese's head we're in the same position and I'm doing him a "favour" that I don't need to be committing, so he will feel loyal to me. I also told him to please defend me if people bring me up as wanting to keep Pilar because Pilar said that I was a vote with her. Everyone voting Pilar knows that I was always voting Pilar so I'm not worried about that actually being true, but if Reese thinks I feel on the outs he may feel more "on my level" and have a sense of loyalty to me. Mark also decided to tell Reese about Dion telling people not to tell Reese about the plan to vote Pilar, so I think Reese trusts Mark now too, which is great for us both. We haven't decided to bring in Reese but if we win challenges Reese should feel more loyal to either of us, without knowing that Mark and I are tight. I'm just really hoping Pilar doesn't lose her mind when she's blindsided.
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This was really nice to read.